BOATING IN THE CHECKOUT LANE

Boating in the Checkout Lane
By Barb Hansen
September 2006

Is it just me or are the boating magazines spreading too much maleonaise onto their covers?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love boating magazines. I love them all. But, on this man-woman issue, this woman's antennae went up the other day as my grocery cart rolled past the magazine racks.

I took note of the boating magazines on display. Covers broadcast manly things like “ “Rev It Up, Prop it Up, Beat ‘em Up,” “Boost Your Horsepower,” Two-Stroke Mano-a-Mano,” and “Macho Marine Electronics – Technology for Real Men.” I kept on going.

When I got into the checkout lane I noticed that in this valuable wait-your-turn aisle there were no boating magazines. None. However, there were three rows of women’s magazines. Hmmm. I couldn’t help but notice the difference in the covers.

O – The Oprah Magazine offered an appealing invitation in a how-to piece headlined, “Let’s Shop!”

The come-on from Marie Claire was “Strong. Confident. Sexy. Be a Triple Threat.”

The only text on the cover of Martha Stewart’s Living was, compellingly, “Martha’s New Kitchen.”

Oh wow, I thought, boating magazines should go to school on the publications displayed in the checkout lanes of the world. Now, I’m not a media expert but I do know a bit about boating and I have strong credentials in the female gender category. I really think I could help these testaments to testosterone.

What the world needs now are boating magazines with more female hormones in the headline-writing department. Just think of the sales opportunity here -- boating magazines that appeal to both sexes. With a few little tweaks in their cover blurbs, millions of women will be motivated to buy boating magazines while they also shop for lettuce and Lubriderm. I see a spike in boat sales, too. (You did know, didn’t you, that we women spend most of the money and veto or approve all male spending?)

Introduce a little femaleness into the cover-design department and, it seems to me, boating magazines will motivate women of the boating persuasion (and even some who are not) to pull out the plastic.

For example, instead of a headline like Father and Son Cruise Alaska” we might see “10 Great Mother - Daughter Cruises.” And, instead of “10 Big & Bad Deckboats” we might see “10 Plush Vessels from Xanadu.” Rather than an invitation to learn about “Bottom Paint Basics” we would look forward to reading more about “Martha Stewart’s Galley.”

Then, lightning struck. POW. The. Big. Idea. A new boating magazine.

I’m calling it….ta da…CosmoShip. The cover slogan will be, “The Spice Your Life at Sea Magazine”

This magazine is going to be hot. The grocery stores won’t put this publication in the newsstand rack with the other mostly-male boating magazines. No way. This one will go in the most prestigious selling space in the history of the world -- the supermarket checkout lane.

And, why not? It will feature starlets, super models and cover blurbs as tantalizing as any you’ll see on the cover of Cosmo, Marie Claire or Glamour.

As a matter of fact, I’ve been studying the headlines for women’s magazines and I think I’ve hit on some cover blurbs for the next new star in the media world:

Engine Room Romance – Get Closer to Your Man and His Machinery
Feng Shui Afloat – Let harmony steer your vessel
Tea Time Anchorages – Reward yourself with this comforting break
Bridge Tenderness – Soothing words for needy captains
Sensuality at Sea – Romance on the Waves. A True Story.
Gratification in the Galley -- Is the U-Shape for you?
Dating on Deck – Find your soul mate at a marina
Marina Magic – I fell in love with my dock master
One Pot Meals – How to spice up dinner …and after dinner, too.

On another subject, is it just me or are the lines in the checkout lanes moving slower these days?